Humor

"I am not saying I am old, but my knees now predict the weather better than any app."

"I don't have ducks in a row. I have squirrels at a rave and they are impossible to organize."

"My bank account and my patience are both running on fumes, but my optimism is fully charged."

"I told my plants a motivational speech and now they are growing out of sheer embarrassment."

"My brain has too many tabs open."

"I don't rise and shine, I caffeinate and hope."

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a model."

"I need coffee before I do anything dangerous."

"I thought I was normal... turns out I was wrong."

"I'm 99% sure I'm tired all the time."